I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
