Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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