rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
