Well douche your snatch and let's go!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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