dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He shit in the fireplace
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
