Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
