My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We left the knife in your bed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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