just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I need moral support for this bender
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize