I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
