She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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