The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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