I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
