I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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