I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
