Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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