I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
