dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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