I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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