I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
