she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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