Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
