its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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