The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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