A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have fence marks all over my body
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
