he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
