i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
