I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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