life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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