I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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