god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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