There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
