No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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