I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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