Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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