its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
