Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
