Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
