My first STD was from a foam party
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
