I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
