Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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