Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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