period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
