The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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