The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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