how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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