She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
