the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
