: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
