I hate your face
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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