i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The power of my boobs compel you
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
